The Proposal Returns

I submitted my research proposal on June 9th. I had these grand plans for its total awesomeness, but in the end I'm kinda ashamed of it. It's embarrassing for me to read. However, this is mostly due to the constricting format and page limits. I mean, how am I supposed to talk in-depth about several large research projects - with an introduction - in fifteen double-spaced pages? I can't without sounding like a moron.

So flash forward to last week, when I was on vacation. I get the email saying that my proposal was approved to move to the next stage: oral defense. Man, I am not looking forward to this.

As is typical of my university, I've spent the last week trying to wrangle together my oral defense committee (ODC). This is not easy. Apparently, this is never easy. A week after my initial emails went out, I still have yet to hear from one member. My defense is in one week.

It's good that this came along, because I was starting to feel like things were actually running smoothly.

So I'm working on my presentation. Or, rather, I'm looking that the screen intently while I slouch in my chair with my hands in my pockets. This is the phase where I try (unsuccessfully) to make everything come together with the power of my mind. It never works, but I have to do it. This also means that I will have to move in to the next phase some time this afternoon, where I curse and hate my life a little more than I do right now.

Here is what I like to call, My Exact Response to Everything I Have to Do, or The Five Stages of Lab Grief:

1. Denial. "Oh I have to do that? No problem. That's fucking easy."
   
2. Forgetfulness. "Wasn't there this big thing I was suppose to do?"
   
3. Aviodance. "Oh yeah, that thing. Uh, I have this experiment I better do first."
   
4. Desked. "I'm working on this! Really hard, like right now! Wait, I have some email to check. Oh yeah, and what was that thing I wanted to buy? I better go to Amazon to browse until I can remember it. Who was that chick who was in that movie last night? Better go to IMDB. Hey, I have a intro slide that just says "Introduction". Man, I need to take a break. But I'm working hard when I get back. For REALS."
   
5. Mania/Depression. "Oh fuck I only have the rest of the day to finish this. I'm going to work my ass off! I have to! I work better under pressure, man! Yay!". Then: "I hate science. I hate my life. This presentation is embarrassing and shitty. I'm going to look stupid like I always do. Why do I always leave things until the last minute? I swear I will never, ever do it again."
   

Rinse with beer. Repeat ad nauseam.

So I am scurrying to finish my presentation today for a practice run in front of the lab tomorrow. At least the whole affair will be over soon. I think.

I swear, I have spent nearly the entire time as grad student - now at the beginning of the third year - totally shitting myself. So really, grad school is a long, drawn out process of tempering homicidal and/or suicidal instincts mixed with the constant feeling of shitting yourself, feeling lousy and retarded, and being poor.

Sign me the fuck up!