Unabashed worry

I spoke with the director of admissions at one of the universities that denied me admission last year. He said that there was nothing wrong with me, that the people who interviewed me recommended me enthusiastically for admission.

So what was the problem, then?

Apparently, two of my three recommendation letters were "superficial." This means that with my added experience, I should get accepted in the programs to which I applied. So people keep telling me.

It is the winter. My blood is cold. I can hardly fathom the spring. I can hardly fathom the idea that I didn't get in to school last year, so as far as I'm concerned, there's a really good chance that I will not this year either. It's really pressing down on me right now.

Oh, red wine! What would I do without thee?

I keep checking my email obsessively. I even checked to see what day I was notified of interviews last year. The time has passed for one school. For fuck's sake, I want to hear something. Something!

Fuck.

The horror!

Applications are in. All of them.

I need a fucking beer and the ability to sleep for about a month.

Contemplating murder

Can we please get a centralized application system like the one they have for medical school? That would be great. Thanks.

My letter writers like to give me heart attacks. I feel one coming.

"You mean the deadline is in twenty minutes? Ok, maybe I'll go get that coffee and then I'll write your letter."

Fuck.

No matter when I say the deadline is, this particular individual always waits until - literally - the last fucking minute. There I am, pacing the halls, clicking refresh obsessively, bloodshot eyes, the whole bit - and this person is calm and collected. Not even apologetic. If I should go to jail, this would be the reason.

The centralized application system would be great at moments like this. This person gets to do this to me another eight times. I can't wait!

Also, that sinking feeling I get in my stomach every time I hit the submit application button would only have to happen once. I would love that. I check over the fucking thing a million times, times nine. Nine for nine programs. Ugh.

I hate grad school already.

Naked and crying

I always hated looking for jobs. The endless forms, the writing of your name a million times, the same information over and over and over and over.

I hated the interviews, in which I would spew the same bullshit answers to different people in different offices with different degrees of enthusiasm.

Grad program hunting. Bleh.

I pretty much have my lists narrowed down, thanks to a conference I just attended. I keep looking, though. Why? Because people tell me that I need some safety schools.

Now, I can certainly understand the reasoning. I applied to four schools last year, interviewed at two, and didn't get in. All four schools were top-notch programs. This left me kinda screwed. Therefore, I should have also applied to "less discriminating" programs.

Sure, it makes sense, right? But then I think about the phrase "safety school." It is, essentially, a school I would only go to if my top choices were unavailable. But would I really want to go there, then? Do I want to commit five years of my life to a place I viewed as sub-par? Do I??

This time around, yes. Yes I do. My ass is getting in to school this time around or I'm going to set my degree on fire. Or my lab. Or something.

I hate this.

You know what?

I'm tired of looking at my statement.

I'm tired of looking at my CV.

I want to kill the institutions that do not have entirely online applications. What fucking century are we in that I have to physically send in letters? Do they think this reflects well on their high-tech facilities? Fucking paper applications??

Self-loathing

I'm applying to graduate school this year.

Again.

Applying to graduate school is a soul-sucking process which I thought I would only have to endure once. Unfortunately, I was an asshole and only applied to schools that either a) kinda wanted me or b) laughed at my application. It was joyous.

Now I am at it again. So, what have I learned? Nothing.

Example:

I want to write my personal statment. A summary of advice is as follows:

1) Write about your science, but don't exclusively concentrate on your science.
2) Be confident, but not too confident.
3) Tell a story, but be short about it.
4) Get to the point, but keep it in essay format with intro and conclusion, making sure the whole thing flows and comes back to an original point.

Fuck's sake. What it boils down to is some people will like what you wrote, others will hate it, and that's it. I wrote something that is less than five hundred words and completely arrogant. I think I'm screwed.

There is a knot in my stomach that won't go away. When did it become so fashionable to get your PhD? I don't know.

Fuck.