A Shitty Week

Before I started working in a lab, I was convinced that the researchers never really made mistakes. I mean, they are working with dangerous stuff, so it is important to be on the ball, right?

Yeah, uh, no.

Some of us like to get together to talk about our most ridiculous fuck-ups. One of my colleagues here in the lab obtained an antibody from another lab, took their word for it that there was actually antibody in the tube, and proceeded to lose six months trying to get it to work in biological assays. Another friend of mine was trying to mutate a gene, and spent three months trying to get it to work only to discover that she had prepared her primers backward. I've also sneezed while pouring super-highly concentrated hydrochloric acid, only to have it run down my arm and burn the fuck out of me. My arm was pink and sore for days.

Ah, science.

Though it usually ends up being a relatively funny anecdote, I still hate fucking up. This week, for example, was absolutely full of these horrid little disasters. I ruined one biological assay by not preparing enough sample to treat some cells. That was dumb. Then, in another biological treatment with really expensive, precious antibodies that I've been waiting for weeks to get, I just happened to add the wrong amount of protein to the samples. They are now useless. Useless! I have to do it all over again. I've lost another week. I would have actually done myself a favor by staying home and not even bothering to show up.

I keep getting visions of that fish at the end of Faith No More's Epic video.

It would be different if my project was going somewhere, but right now it's not. I know my boss is getting anxious, too. She's not digging my project at all. No one is, really - including me. This sucks. I suck.

Seriously.

Training

Somehow I got stuck training the new technician in our group. I'm fucking thrilled.

This was my first opportunity to teach someone in a lab setting. I've been schooled by some great people, and some fucking asshole douchebags, so I really wanted to pass on the tradition of a really good lab experience. Quite honestly, I almost left science because of the asshole teachers. So this was not a trivial thing that was set before me.

I've been training this person for two weeks. I had absolutely no idea how much time it was going to take. While I realize that not everyone is a genius, I did have a certain expectation of someone with a bachelor's degree in science. It is startling, to say the least. I've had to practically babysit Techie for the entire two weeks. My project is swirling around in the toilet, in shit purgatory, while I'm holding the tech's hand. Fuck.

We work with viruses in cell culture. Naturally, this means that we must be all anal about sterility. I have had to repeat this over and over and over and over. It's not getting through. The most fundamental rule of the lab is not getting through. I was amazed that I had to remind Techie, many times, about the importance of changing pipet tips after they have been used. Ok, so I've been working in labs for a handful of years now, but she watched me change tips. She's seen me do it. One reminder should be enough, people.

Imagine you're scooping up a vat of feces and hauling it around by truck. Would someone have to remind you to wash your hands before you got in the cabin? No. Do you use the same knife that you used to slice raw chicken when you go to chop your vegetables? No. This is not rocket science.

I had such high hopes, but Techie couldn't even make cell culture media. I think I'm going to lose it.

Disasters, etc.

At one point in time, I loved my project. I conceived it. I nursed it through infancy. I fought for it to be liked by the other projects in the lab. We were pals. Symbiotes.

Sometime between preparing its debut on that first poster and last Christmas, I began to get a little tired of it. My ill-conceived experiments began to show holes. I thought it was something that I could patch up.

Uh, no.

Those damn grad school interviews. As I explained my project, it became very clear to me that I am working on a pile of shit that has no relevance. Hooray! I have been and will continue wasting my fucking time!

So yeah, clearly I don't have that PhD yet.

Then again, I don't think I could have had better preparation for grad school. In nearly two years, I have been through the ups and downs. I've hated my project. I've hated myself. I've lost all motivation, then had it unexpectedly come back, then lost it again, over and over.

Essentially, I have been dating science all this time. We've had some fights, but it was still all new and fresh and unknown and sexy. We just got engaged, though. I've chosen my grad school. Now it's serious. Very soon, we will move in together.

I'm already soliciting counselors.

Grad School Interviews

Ok. I'm all done with interviews. The horror that is grad school interview weekend is over.

Here's the deal: I fucking hate interviews. Hate! I am absolutely a jeans person. Jeans do not fit in to interviews. Whenever I have to get all dressed up for this dumb shit, I feel like I look exactly like an animal that has been dressed in human clothes. I am pissed off and uncomfortable. I want to torch my damn suit.

In order to spread this misery out over the maximum amount of time possible, the typical interview weekend went as such:

Day 1 (Th) - Arrive in the evening. Dinner with grad students. Ask lots of questions so you can appear interested.
Day 2 (F) - Wake up ass early to for interview day. Wear suit. Start at 8 or 9 am. Interview with 4-5 people and have the exact same conversation over and over. Lunch and dinner with grad students. Keep asking questions.
Day 3 (Sa) - Start a little later. Still dress nice, even though the host students and faculty are all in jeans. Tour campus. Tour student housing. Lunch and dinner with students. Try to find questions to ask so there is some conversation. Usually, some type of party where you will get drunk. Don't get too drunk.
Day 4 (Su) - Get the hell out.

By the time I get to interviews, I have exhaustively researched these schools and programs. It's hard for me to come up with stuff to ask the students, especially if the schools are in the area. The typical questions I asked the students are:

1. What are the qualification exams like?
2. Can you live on the stipend you get?
3. How did you find your housing?
4. To what other schools did you apply?
5. What made you choose this program?
6. Is there anything you would change about the program?
7. Are there any funding issues?

The faculty interviews ranged from awesome to sweat-inducing. Some were trying to recruit me. Others were clearly trying to suss me out. I tried to remember their questions, but I have only been able to recall the following:

1. Tell me about your project (the most important one, interjected with questions)
2. Why do you want to come to this school/program?
3. What are your future goals?
4. What do I need to know about you?

Some of them asked me incredibly detailed questions about my project. Others asked me how to describe the experiments that led to figuring out my background info. I thought that bit was stupid and uncalled for, because I don't have my fucking PhD yet or anything, but what the fuck ever. Gotta be prepared.

Also, one guy asked me what I did in my spare time and I completely froze. I mean, I couldn't answer the damn question. Spare time? What is that? Remember that you're a person, with feelings and stuff, so just be yourself.

After this horror, I asked my interviewers:

1. What is the typical time to graduation?
2. What types of positions do students take after graduation? Where?
3. How are projects assigned?
4. Do you have pet projects, or can a student get creative and pick their own?
5. How many students have you mentored?
6. Why did you choose to come to this institution?
7. Are there any funding issues?
8. How much time do you have to interact with your students?
9. Do you write the papers in the lab, or do the students/postdocs write them?
10. On average, how many papers do your students have by the time they graduate?
11. What characteristics would your "perfect student" have?

Things you should know before you go:

1. Stipend, fees, tuition, and all financial matters.
2. Curriculum (i.e., do you want to spend one or two years taking classes?).
3. Teaching requirements, if any.
4. Rotation scheme.
5. Where/when your interviewers have published. Have a good idea what they do.

I'm sure there is something I've left out. I've tried to block the process from my memory.

A few people that I talked to absolutely loved interviewing. They said that they had some really great times. Ok, I had one good evening at a faculty dinner. But for the most part, I wanted to kill myself nearly the entire time. It's absolutely exhausting to be on for that long. It is also horrid to curb my rampant swearing for an entire weekend.

So I have a decision to make. I must choose the place where I will be least miserable. That will be a feat in itself.