Things you must learn in grad school #1: Scavenging for free food

Finding free food. No matter the subject of your research, this is one of the most important (and useful) skills you will learn as a graduate student. The concept seems obvious at first, because who doesn't like free food? We are poor students, after all.

Sometimes coming upon food happens because you are in the right place at the right time. For instance, dumb luck today netted me a turkey sandwich with two types of cheese on a kaiser roll, fresh fruit (including raspberries and blackberries), cheese tortellini pasta salad, hummus with pita chips, barbecue lays, and a brownie. And a diet coke. All of this because I walked out of class a little early and right into the middle of a poster symposium for the medical students. Ah, luck.

Did I pretend to be interested in the posters? No. Did I ask who the food was for? No. I just got in line. The important skill here is that you need to look like that food is meant for you. It's sorta like why you never got carded for alcohol after you turned 21. It's all about confidence.

Another way to score free food is to get involved. I know, I know - getting involved is a time vortex. Meetings and stuff have free food and refreshments all the time, but you have to like do stuff for it. Fuck that. I add it here simply because it is another scavenging source.

Reading flyers is monumentally important. These will tell you about vendor shows - which can sometimes have some pretty good fare. Again, the goal at the vendor shows is to get in and out with your food. Don't feel bad about not talking to the people trying to sell you pointless new crap - you are on a mission. I once saw a vendor make the mistake of announcing that they were bringing pizza as their lunch treat. I have never ever seen so many people go through so much pizza so quickly. In less than five minutes, hundreds of people descended upon over fifty pizzas and cleaned out each and every cardboard box. It was astonishing. That, my friends, is how is how it's done.

Get to know the people who run the little coffee shops and snack stops on campus. Also, get to know when they close. Hang around when they close. They have to get rid of those old pastries and cookies sometime, you know. Wouldn't they be better in your stomach than in the trash? You're a grad student - use your powers of persuasion and stuff to make that shit happen.

The point I'm trying to make here is you must be bold. You must be confident. You must not be afraid of getting yelled at for taking food.

Aside from the whole instant gratification of the free food, there are other important factors to which scavenging for free food contributes greatly. You have to get to know people, so this increases your networking skills. Also, the more people you know, the more chances you will hear about someone's dissertation refreshment sessions or really undisclosed food opportunities. You have to be paying attention, so make sure to look around when you are carrying your samples down the hall or leaving a professor's office and wishing you could punch him or her right in the face.

But most importantly, finding free food means that you can spend more time in the lab. That stuff you brought for lunch can now be your dinner. You just earned some extra time working that you didn't have before. And the time that you are there will be spent in a much more pleasant mood due to the afterglow of free, delicious food.

Man, this turkey sandwich is fucking awesome.