The scoop

Fuck, man. I could get scooped. Seriously.

I've been working on my project for almost three years. Since I thought I was going to submit it last fall, I presented my findings at a poster session. I went to a conference this week, and a huge name in my field essentially presented my data. I went cold and clammy. I thought my liver was going to rupture with fury.

This project has been crazy from the start. I had a really unique finding, but no one believed me. My boss tried to get me working on something else several times. I've documented pretty well how I was met with resistance by my lab mates. At the conference where I first presented the data, I saw people pointing at my poster and laughing. I got laughed at again this week.

I was really doubting myself for a while, and honestly I was a little scared to publish the data. Part of me felt so vindicated seeing him present what are essentially my findings. His conclusions were the same as mine. The mechanism was the same. I wish that I hadn't been so scared. I've said before that data don't lie, but like most things I didn't follow my own advice. And I could pay for it.

Of course, now that this titan is trying to publish almost the exact same research I have done, it means I have more weight behind my findings. But still - the dude is so well known and so successful that I am amazed he is trying to scoop me. Isn't his success enough? Apparently not. To make the matter worse, I really idolized this guy. Talk about some bitter disappointment.

Now they don't know my paper is already submitted and in revision. I'm hoping to have it in by the end of next week. I don't think I will get rejected, because it it a very mild review. I just hope to fuck they don't have theirs submitted too. It's an arms race - and I only have two arms. He has an army.

But I have to say, it will be the best feeling in the world to scoop a big lab like that. It might be petty, but that is what keeps me even more motivated to publish than I already was. Because fuck them. They fucked with the wrong person.

The Proposal Returns

I submitted my research proposal on June 9th. I had these grand plans for its total awesomeness, but in the end I'm kinda ashamed of it. It's embarrassing for me to read. However, this is mostly due to the constricting format and page limits. I mean, how am I supposed to talk in-depth about several large research projects - with an introduction - in fifteen double-spaced pages? I can't without sounding like a moron.

So flash forward to last week, when I was on vacation. I get the email saying that my proposal was approved to move to the next stage: oral defense. Man, I am not looking forward to this.

As is typical of my university, I've spent the last week trying to wrangle together my oral defense committee (ODC). This is not easy. Apparently, this is never easy. A week after my initial emails went out, I still have yet to hear from one member. My defense is in one week.

It's good that this came along, because I was starting to feel like things were actually running smoothly.

So I'm working on my presentation. Or, rather, I'm looking that the screen intently while I slouch in my chair with my hands in my pockets. This is the phase where I try (unsuccessfully) to make everything come together with the power of my mind. It never works, but I have to do it. This also means that I will have to move in to the next phase some time this afternoon, where I curse and hate my life a little more than I do right now.

Here is what I like to call, My Exact Response to Everything I Have to Do, or The Five Stages of Lab Grief:

1. Denial. "Oh I have to do that? No problem. That's fucking easy."
   
2. Forgetfulness. "Wasn't there this big thing I was suppose to do?"
   
3. Aviodance. "Oh yeah, that thing. Uh, I have this experiment I better do first."
   
4. Desked. "I'm working on this! Really hard, like right now! Wait, I have some email to check. Oh yeah, and what was that thing I wanted to buy? I better go to Amazon to browse until I can remember it. Who was that chick who was in that movie last night? Better go to IMDB. Hey, I have a intro slide that just says "Introduction". Man, I need to take a break. But I'm working hard when I get back. For REALS."
   
5. Mania/Depression. "Oh fuck I only have the rest of the day to finish this. I'm going to work my ass off! I have to! I work better under pressure, man! Yay!". Then: "I hate science. I hate my life. This presentation is embarrassing and shitty. I'm going to look stupid like I always do. Why do I always leave things until the last minute? I swear I will never, ever do it again."
   

Rinse with beer. Repeat ad nauseam.

So I am scurrying to finish my presentation today for a practice run in front of the lab tomorrow. At least the whole affair will be over soon. I think.

I swear, I have spent nearly the entire time as grad student - now at the beginning of the third year - totally shitting myself. So really, grad school is a long, drawn out process of tempering homicidal and/or suicidal instincts mixed with the constant feeling of shitting yourself, feeling lousy and retarded, and being poor.

Sign me the fuck up!

FML

I am so overwhelmed. I had plans for my birthday this weekend, but I have to cancel them. Fuck. Work.

The Last Day of Freedom

So I start class tomorrow.

Unfortunately, I do not know what classes I will be starting. I had orientation on Friday, but I was told that I would not be able to meet with my program director or advisor, and that a special meeting would need to be set up. I was supposed to receive word about this later Friday afternoon, but I have not yet heard anything. Hooray, things really are starting out well. I think I'll just randomly show up to classes that I think I should be taking. Or something. I don't even have my ID yet. I am officially shitting myself.

It appears that I will have to be in my first class by 9am every day, even Friday. Ugh.

Last week I had to take radiation safety and lab safety courses. These are the same ones that I have taken at every single institution I have ever been at, so it was mind-numbingly boring. However, as I sat there, I realized that it felt good to be sitting in a classroom again. Sadly, I must admit that I really enjoy taking courses. I am such a nerd that I don't even really read fiction books. My bookshelves are lined with science-based books and texts on philosophy and stuff like that.

I can't believe people hang out with me.

Fear and fear itself

Man, I start Grad School in a month.

I am starting to freak out a little bit. I mean, it's been almost two years since I have been in school, and now I have to get back in the ring again. Courses. Exams. Papers. They are all waiting for me.

Fuck.

I have been living the good life for two years. I'm salaried. I'm not expected to produce anything at this level, let alone publish. My lab is really well funded so I can do pretty much whatever I want, and it's beautiful. Beautiful! And now I'm going to have to put on a backpack? For reals? Fuck that! Fuck pencils and spiral-bound notebooks, man! I want to continue to be lazy!

One of the students who showed me around when I was interviewing at my school said that trying to grasp all the material in one particular intro course was "like drinking from a fire hose." I am jumping for fucking joy here. I can barely get my ass out of bed before 8am and now I'm going to have to digest information at that hour, after the one hour commute? I'm thinking no.

No coffee can awaken me to that extreme at such a perilously early time point.

Don't get me wrong, I am totally fucking stoked to finally be getting my ass in to grad school after all this time. It's just that I've been on summer vacation for a long ass time. The days are getting shorter and shit. I was never good at coming to terms with the end of summer vacation. On more than one instance, I spent the very last day trying to read each and every one of my summer reading books. It didn't go well.

Needless to say, I still harbor a hatred for Steinbeck.

I have a few weeks left, all of which will be spent frantically trying to get some kind of closure on my project. Amazingly, it is going very well, and I've produced some kickass data this summer. Unfortunately, there is no fucking way I'm going to get it anywhere near journal submission before I leave. This means that this fall, in addition to taking courses and doing a lab rotation, I will most likely be spending my weekends here in my lab trying to get my shit finished.

I need a life.