In my opinion...

I haven't mentioned Lady Lab Dragon in a while, because, well, that's an interesting situation.

Lady Lab Dragon, as some might recall, made my life hell for an entire summer. In short, I developed this new assay, we argued over whether or not it worked (it did), and as a result she would not talk to me or help me in any way for several months. Because of this, the other people in the lab also stopped talking to me. To resolve this situation, I had to pretend to need her help. Then she was cool with me again. Seriously.

This woman is one of those people who thinks that the entire lab would crumble if she wasn't there. I'm certain that she believes she knows more than our boss. Because of this, she thinks that she is our boss. She won't get her own ice - she asks a postbac to do it. She doesn't do any routine ordering or anything. She also informed me that I should have shared my dissertation proposal with her before turning it in. I believe she secretly wishes us to genuflect when she comes through the door.

So for the last few months, almost every day, she has come to me to tell me about what she thinks I should be working on. It is always prefaced with "In my opinion". In my opinion, you should be working on X project. In my opinion, you should do this experiment with ABC timepoints. In my opinion, you should use this cell line.

Fucking. Hell.

I've talked to my boss about how I want to try for a "superpostdoc" position. The boss is cool with this and is totally supporting me. My boss is fucking rad and totally leaves me alone to fall on my face, rather than tell me no about something crazy she puts me in contact with people who can help me, and in general she just knows how to handle me. She's never told me what to do - she offers suggestions. It's wonderful. The constant input from Lady Lab Dragon is the exact opposite of what I need and want.

I wish that I could tell her to stop, but then I'm certain she would stop talking to me again. This would be very bad news. I need to discuss ideas and projects with people. Sometimes saying something out loud makes you realize that it's a stupid idea. Furthermore, someone may have tried what you want to do and can offer advice, or they can explain to you while it might be more difficult than you think. So if I say something to her, all of this will go out the window. Again.

In my opinion, she needs to grow up and start acting like a professional. One can dream. I am still constantly amazed that scientists can be so fucking childish and/or retarded.

This fucking kid...

Holy shit, let me tell you about This Fucking Kid (TFK).

TFK is in high school, and received some funding from the high skool to come and work in a lab. TFK chose our lab for some reason. Hooray for free slave labor, right?

Wrong. WRONG!

I've made it pretty clear that I like working with students. It means a lot to me, because I want kids to have a good experience in the lab - and not at all like some of the horrors I had to endure as an undergrad. I make sure to explain everything until they appear to understand, always ask if they have questions, and give them a sound foundation of methodological principles. At least I hope I do.

But This Fucking Kid officially wrecked my patience. Day one, I walked over to TFK and said, "OK! Ready to get to work?" TFK looks at me, eyes rolling, and says, "Not really."

Uh...

So I proceed to tell this kid my rules/expectations. They are as follows:

Rule 1: Our time is precious. If someone shows you a technique, he or she is taking time away from a project that needs to get done. Do not waste time. Respect this, and make sure to give thanks for the lesson. Once you have mastered the technique, ask your teacher if you can run any assays for him or her. Remember to give back.

Rule 2: TAKE NOTES. I don't care how kick ass a scientist you are, you are not going to remember a technique simply by observing, and learning by osmosis just isn't going to happen. Write shit down. If I get a reagent out of the fridge, write down which fridge it came from. Write down the shelf or box it was from. Look at the label, and copy down what is says on the label. Do this, and you will never have to ask where something is ever again. Write down when to turn on the heat block, or when to take things out to thaw. Take notes when I give you a little explanation of why I am doing something. If I draw out a figure for you, maybe keep it with your notes. I'm not doing this for fun. Your goal should be to take detailed enough notes that you can successfully complete a protocol with very minimal help the very first time you try it, because of Rule 1.

Rule 3: Don't fuck with anyone's shit. This is a blanket rule, and what I really mean is don't do anything that will compromise the results of a lab mate. Do not use a reagent that belongs to someone else without asking. Do not take something off someone's bench without asking. DO NOT TURN OFF A TIMER IF IT IS BEEPING (unless you write down the time you stopped it). Do not do a shitty job prepping lab stocks of media, autoclaved materials, etc.

TFK worked with me a few days, but never took notes. If I gave a recipe for a buffer, it was not written down (or not written down correctly). Eyes kept rolling. There was no enthusiasm. So finally, one hot afternoon around 4:30, the kid asked me if I could hang around for another two hours to finish an experiment because it was time to go home. This kid fucked around all afternoon, started this experiment too late, and expected me to finish things. I snapped.

Needless to say, TFK stays away from me these days. I heard, though, that the kid now takes excellent notes.

Grad School Blues

I hear that everyone in grad school gets depressed. Well, maybe this is my turn. My time to be awash in misery and question my desire to continue.

There are just so many things wrong. I should be happy, having finished and passed all of my classes this semester. It is also the last semester of full-time coursework I will ever have to endure - so even more reason to celebrate. But no, I am in a strange void.

So, to start, I am being challenged by my own lab about my paper. It's getting to be a really uncomfortable, antagonistic environment. I designed a new method, and it works, but no one in the lab believes me.

I don't know what's going on here, but I am miserable. I have pulled up paper after paper and provided tons of evidence that demonstrates my method actually works. It works! I have done countless controls before starting these experiments, but the past month has been spent doing more. More controls to prove something that I have already proven dozens of times over and over and over.

So this is science?

I am amazed at how myopic scientists can be. It really saddens me. They get something in to their heads, and it becomes an immovable fact. There is no plasticity in their brains - just facts. "Facts." Unfortunately they forget that, in order for science to be evolving, some current knowledge must, by definition, be incorrect. Some "facts" are fucked, and if we keep using the same methods and the same setup, we will never learn anything new. Science must evolve, or else it will become like the medical field - figurative and literal regurgitation.

I can't wait to have my own lab. I hope I make it.